Learning to Fall First: Overcoming the Fear of Failure

My daughter recently informed me that the first skill they teach new hockey players is how to fall. That reminded me of taking an Aikido course some years ago, and the first thing they taught us was to fall and get back up in one smooth motion. Only after learning the proper Art of Falling, could we move on to the attack. 

It seemed strange at the time, but when practicing moves with another student, sometimes a man somewhat larger than myself, I remember feeling more confident because the idea of falling was not frightening—I already knew how to do it without getting hurt. 

I have become convinced that teaching the Art of Falling is an essential parenting skill. Praising children only for their successes, and not the effort put into a project or learning a skill, teaches them that it is success that counts and that not to succeed means they are failures. 

Research has shown that compared to children praised for their effort, those who were accustomed to being praised for their intelligence were more likely to give up and to perform poorly after a failure. 

Even worse, kids who were praised for their intelligence were more likely to view their failures as evidence of low intelligence; subsequently, they were more likely to refuse to participate in activities at which they were not immediately successful. That is, they played it safe and never learned to fall down and get back up. 

But in our therapeutic work with adults, it is also important to introduce the concept of the Art of Falling when discussing behavior change. Often, patients will have adopted the irrational idea that to experience difficulty and not be successful from the start is tantamount to being a failure. 

They believe that smart people do not have to work to do well. And here we are in therapy asking patients to make behavioral changes with multiple opportunities for failing or getting it only partially right.  

Part of the assessment and rapport phase of therapy is ascertaining the patient’s explanation of her situation. Although the occasional patient comes ready to make changes, many come to therapy with solid explanations of why they cannot make the changes they say they desire. “I’ve always been this way.” “I’ve tried to change but it’s not possible.” 

Understanding patients’ “stories” gives information about how much they have absorbed the fear of falling/failing and also lends direction for the type of support needed. 

In addition, the patient has usually outlined the many ways in which she learned the family “rules,” and I remind her how successful she has been, but how it’s now her choice to learn alternate rules. 

In the type of therapy that focuses on strengths and not just pathology, it is fairly easy to note the many times a patient has been successful, even if that success is in learning dysfunctional rules. 

Often, I will counter a patient’s negative predictions with her recollection of learning to ride a bicycle. I will share my own experience of taking off, veering across the street, and slamming into the opposite curb.  But, I learned to ride. Yes, yes, the patient says, that was hard, but this is harder. Then I remind her that for that eight or nine year old, learning to ride the bike was just as hard. 

Besides reminding a patient of past successes, for a patient who seems very doubtful of her abilities, I take an approach from Milton Erickson and suggest that her first attempts to make a behavioral change will fail—the harder the idea of change, the more attempts will be needed. 

I keep a small globe of glass on a side table and will look into it and predict she will have to try two—no, three—times before “getting it”. I am reminding her of her ability to fall and get up again. The patient usually laughs and often will prove me wrong. 

Japanese saying:  “Fall down seven time, get up eight.” 

In your practice, how do teach the Art of Falling? 

References:

1. Lankton S, Lankton CH. 1983. The Answer Within: A Clinical Framework of Ericksonian Hypnotherapy. Crown House Classics, Bethel, CT.

2. Mueller CM, Dweck CS. Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1998 Jul;75(1):33-52.

Leslie Durr, PhD, RN, PMHCNS-BC is an advanced practice psychiatric-mental health nurse with a private psychotherapy practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.

The views expressed on this blog are solely those of the blog post author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Psych Congress Network or other Psych Congress Network authors.