Family Dynamics: Of Helicopters and Triangles

We’ve been hearing a lot about “helicopter parents” and the effect this kind of parenting has on children, even into adulthood. Some examples are truly astounding and border on parody. And now the media report an extension of the helicopter parent all the way to college and in the workplace. 

However, it’s not hard to imagine some of the origins of the anxious worries of these parents: concern that their children have the “right” experiences, go to the “right” schools (even kindergarten and pre-school), and be treated in the manner to which the parents believe they are entitled. But the anxiety of parents who want the best for their children doesn’t fully explain the blurred boundaries that result from participating so completely in their children’s lives. 

What happens in the marital dyad when the parents focus on the child or children? If both parents focus on one child, a triangle is established.  Family therapy theorist Murray Bowen introduced the concept of triangulation in 1955.  Bowen linked the development of maladjustment in children to triangulation, which, in simple terms, is a dysfunctional relationship device where a third person is brought into a two-person relationship. 

Two of the people within this relationship will be closer than they are with the third. Focusing on the parent-child relationship is used to divert tension and conflict between the marital couple when they are experiencing stress in their relationship. For triangulation to occur, a third person is drawn into the dyad in order to diffuse relationship stress. 

A triangle is more stable than a dyad, but a triangle creates an "odd man out," which causes anxiety in the one who is left out. Frequently, in a family with more than one child, each parent will make a primary bond with one child and avoid whatever issues the marital dyad may have.  And so helicopter parents are born. 

Although we hear about this phenomenon in high-achieving families, another common scenario for triangles in families is when a teen starts acting out and getting into trouble. Finally, the parents agree on something: the kid is the problem, and they want the therapist to fix him or her.  

Years ago, I saw a family with several children, the oldest of whom, a teen, was the identified patient. She’d been flouting curfew and generally challenging the parents but had not violated societal rules and was doing fine in school. 

After talking to the family together and then the kids and parents separately, it became clear where the issue in the system lay. The children clearly articulated (and I witnessed) that Mom and Dad undermined each other—if one set a limit, the other countermanded it; if one gave permission, the other nixed it, leaving the kids confused and angry. 

With her behavior, the teen was simply calling attention to the pattern. When I presented this pattern to the parents (alone), they were gracious enough (and healthy) to agree that they owned the problem and to begin therapy as a couple. The kids were sent home to be kids, and the oldest was acknowledged as a regular adolescent. 

More next time on what happens to kids who grow up with poor boundaries from parents who make primary bonds with them instead of their partner. Have you worked with a family experiencing triangulation? What did you find helpful? 

Leslie Durr, PhD, RN, PMHCNS-BC is an advanced practice psychiatric-mental health nurse with a private psychotherapy practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.

The views expressed on this blog are solely those of the blog post author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Psych Congress Network or other Psych Congress Network authors.